Love…

Have you ever hated someone you cared about? Have you ever loved someone you cared about? Have you ever loved someone going through chemo? It’s a different kind of love, something I had never experienced before. 

Today was the start of the second round of chemo for the hubby. He is doing amazing! I call him Rocky now to pump him up and cheer him on. I played the theme song of Rocky when he got discharged from the hospital last time.

So, it being Valentines today, I thought about how today was a different Valentines than all the other Valentines. It was the first Valentines Winston and I don’t sleep next to each other, the first we don’t kiss at all, the first we don’t go out on a date, the first I didn’t get flowers or chocolates from him…(I did get cute fancy earrings from him tho)…

My thoughts then led me to how our love has evolved. How I’ve had so many different feelings for him for so long (25+ yrs). How I’ve both hated him, been irritated by him, been entertained by him, have had fun with him and now was in the middle of experiencing a whole different level of love for him. 

It’s difficult to explain but it’s a love that is growing while I am constantly masked around him, while our affection is limited to holding hands and brief hugs, while I patiently listen to everything he talks about tirelessly, while I  continuously care for him and stay on alert to limit his germ exposure, and while I give him his meds and tend to his every need. 

Burn out is real and I’ve taken a few breaks for my own sanity. God is real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. Love is real also and I am so glad I made Christ and friendship the foundation of our relationship from the start before any displays of affection. We are still friends and we are learning how to listen and value our different opinions more than ever. 

You can’t force anyone to love you or treat you the way you want. Can you force anyone to hate you? Ultimately, the choice to love, hate, ignore, etc. lies in the power of each person’s agency. 

Goodnight, Winston.  Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m sleeping in your dress shirt tonight. Dream about us dancing tango and salsa while you’re in your hospital room 😘 

Con Amor, Tu Reina Dané💗

Resilience

My mama taught me to be resilient. She was a single mother with three little girls and pushed two jobs for a long time. And my faith in Jesus Christ and God my Father fuels my resilience.

I'm in the surgery waiting room right now. The hubby is in surgery. January 3rd at 10pm he left to go push some snow. He was so happy. He smiled as he left and walked away saying, "Te gusta que soy trabajador verda'??" Like always a big macho man, protector and provider. 

He called me a couple hours later at 12:16am while I was in bed and he said he was confused and didn't feel well and didn't know where he was. He repeated, he didn't feel well and then added his head hurt. I thought immediately-STROKE. I told him to wait there and that I'd call the ambulance. That night he was diagnosed in the ER with TGA Transient Global Amnesia. The MRI image also found three bright glowing dots diagnosed as three brain tumors. Not one. Not two. THREE! THREE TUMORS :(

It still sounds unreal and I haven't verbalized this with many people (it hurts more to verbalize it) but it's happening and it's real and here I am in the surgery waiting room now.

As I think about other emotional mountains I have climbed and about the power of faith that opens the conduit to heavenly miracles-I am comforted and I know He is in charge. 

In particular, the words and scriptures shared by President Russell M.Nelson from April 2021 General Conference talk has helped me, titled, Christ Is Risen; Faith in Him Will Move Mountains:

"The Lord does not require perfect faith for us to have access to His perfect power. But He does ask us to believe."

"Your mountains may be loneliness, doubt, illness, or other personal problems. Your mountains will vary, and yet the answer to each of your challenges is to increase your faith. That takes work...To do anything well requires effort." 

He continues by giving five suggestions to develop faith:

• Study scriptures-"the more you learn about the Savior, the easier it will be to trust in His mercy, His infinite love, and His strengthening, healing, and redeeming power. The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith"
• Choose to believe in Jesus Christ-"take 
• Act in faith
• Partake of sacred ordinances
• Ask Heavenly Father for help

....He's out of surgery...all went well...only a needle biopsy not an open biospy...

I know this road will be a long one but I will celebrate the moments I'm given. Amen!! God is Great!!!!