Have you ever hated someone you cared about? Have you ever loved someone you cared about? Have you ever loved someone going through chemo? It’s a different kind of love, something I had never experienced before.
Today was the start of the second round of chemo for the hubby. He is doing amazing! I call him Rocky now to pump him up and cheer him on. I played the theme song of Rocky when he got discharged from the hospital last time.
So, it being Valentines today, I thought about how today was a different Valentines than all the other Valentines. It was the first Valentines Winston and I don’t sleep next to each other, the first we don’t kiss at all, the first we don’t go out on a date, the first I didn’t get flowers or chocolates from him…(I did get cute fancy earrings from him tho)…
My thoughts then led me to how our love has evolved. How I’ve had so many different feelings for him for so long (25+ yrs). How I’ve both hated him, been irritated by him, been entertained by him, have had fun with him and now was in the middle of experiencing a whole different level of love for him.
It’s difficult to explain but it’s a love that is growing while I am constantly masked around him, while our affection is limited to holding hands and brief hugs, while I patiently listen to everything he talks about tirelessly, while I continuously care for him and stay on alert to limit his germ exposure, and while I give him his meds and tend to his every need.
Burn out is real and I’ve taken a few breaks for my own sanity. God is real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. Love is real also and I am so glad I made Christ and friendship the foundation of our relationship from the start before any displays of affection. We are still friends and we are learning how to listen and value our different opinions more than ever.
You can’t force anyone to love you or treat you the way you want. Can you force anyone to hate you? Ultimately, the choice to love, hate, ignore, etc. lies in the power of each person’s agency.
Goodnight, Winston. Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m sleeping in your dress shirt tonight. Dream about us dancing tango and salsa while you’re in your hospital room 😘
Con Amor, Tu Reina Dané💗
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